When OCD Meets the Bedroom: How OCD can Intersect with Intimacy and Sex
If you have found yourself spiraling around intimacy – wondering if you could do something wrong, ruminating over sex and intimacy in different contexts, or “checking” your reactions to be sure you are not doing something wrong – you are not alone in this. These are just some of the experiences a person may be dealing with who have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) when it comes to intimacy.
Sex can already be a complicated enough thing, and adding on OCD can make something completely natural, as something painful and confusing, casting a shadow on a tender and vulnerable space – the bedroom. OCD is more than just simply washing your hands or checking if the door is locked. OCD can surround sex and intimacy to make a person question their most intimate selves.
Unfortunately, OCD digs its claws into the things that we care about most, making someone doubt the reality of the situation. Many of the doubts connected to OCD are ego-dystonic, meaning that they go against what we value and desire most. This can create a distrust in the self and question what their true intentions are. As a result, compulsions become a way to cope with these doubts, but as a result only intensifies the cycle of OCD.
Let’s take a look at some of the ways OCD can show up in the bedroom and steps you can take to reclaim back your intimacy.
OCD and Sexual Intimacy
The brain and intimacy are closely connected, and interplay together during those moments of intimacy and pleasure. However, those struggling with OCD can start to have intrusive thoughts that target those intimate moments.
Intrusive thoughts can look like:
“What if I touched them inappropriately?”
“What if I enjoyed something I shouldn’t have?”
“What if I’m actually not attracted to them?”
“What if that sensation means I’m secretly a predator?”
While none of these are true, it is hard to escape the void and spiral from OCD. Making a person question their true intentions and the reality of the situation.
This story that OCD creates could then result in compulsions that help control or alleviate the narrative. Sometimes these compulsions can be sublet or unrecognizable, partly due to habituation.
Some common compulsions connected to sex can look like:
Repeatedly checking your arousal level during sex
Asking your partner over and over: “Was that okay?” or “Did I hurt you?”
Avoiding sex altogether because it feels too risky or distressing
Repeating sexual acts to “undo” or “make up for” perceived wrongdoing
The emotional toll of these things can be exhausting, leaving a person to feel defeated, fearful, and uncertainty of themselves and intimacy. These experiences can create distance between a partner(s). While OCD in intimacy can feel all consuming, it doesn’t have to be. Learning to take back control from OCD can be liberating and empowering.
Therapy can be a helpful strategy to create a safe space to explore the nuances of OCD and intimacy. Therapy can help open the door to challenge the OCD narrative through an I-CBT lens, psychoeducation, and building acceptance.
Sex is supposed to be a place of connection, joy, and exploration, but when OCD is involved, it can feel like a minefield. If that’s where you are right now, I want you to know that healing is possible. You are not broken. You are not your thoughts. And you are absolutely capable of experiencing intimacy in a way that feels safe, empowered, and real.